Sunday, June 15, 2014
1:41 A.M. I've been thinking of doing this all day but kept getting side tracked. My thoughts aren't racing nearly as much now as before but it's all coming back. I was reading and the reading sparked thoughts of determinism and if that's true. There was another argument for it that I hadn't heard before about the 4th dimension being consciousness and this 3D world being a specific projection of that 4th dimension through some lens of consciousness and he (Hinton) made the argument from what I understand that things are predetermined based on the specific projection of the 4th dimension we're living in. But I really don't know, it's too hard to think too hard to focus. I'm always side tracked thinking about Josh now. If it's not sex then I"m wanting him here to cuddle and talk to and he's not. He can be sometimes but I don't know him well enough to count on him yet and I want so bad to cuddle and talk to him while listening to the rain but I can't. I just saw him yesterday, I'll come off as so clingy. Because I am, I'm scarred for life. I can't be alone, I have no idea how to be happy alone and It kills me every day, every day I'm just waiting and killing time until the next time I see him and get to cuddle and things feel right again but I don't get that nearly as much as I want. I've only know him a couple weeks and he's still scarred from his last relationship, poor thing, and I'm terrified that I'll be too clingy and make him leave. Everyone leaves me, I never have anyone physically here when I really need them. Grandparents don't count because they really aren't here for me anyway. I didn't realize until today how bad my relationship is with them even though it appears fine to the outside but there's no emotion there at all. And I'm so afraid that the people I DO have an emotional attachment to will leave me or hurt me. Beth and now Josh, Lu already hurt me, I don't know how to talk to him anymore. But also I have no reason to feel any of this, I should be thankful for the relationships I have because others aren't nearly as fortunate as me but I just can't. I sit here all day waiting and I fade between glassy eyed distant stares to body shaking fits of sadness that make me think of nothing but slicing my arm from wrist to elbow watching my blood flow. I want it so bad and it's so wrong. I wonder if I'd die from that. That's not my intent, even if I may want to die and feel like I'm worthless I don't actually have the balls to do it. But I want to cut so bad, I want to bleed. I get way more excited than I should when I make my chapped lips bleed. Static in my mind, too much at once. Not blank like before,more like 500 half formed thoughts all at the same time then the snow on the TV screen when the tape runs out or the ring girl is coming to kill you, she's coming for you crawling toward you toward me, like the spider earlier that left me in a crying mess on the floor for 40 minutes because I was so alone and I needed someone, needed Josh, but couldn't cry out and was so cold and alone and afraid. 1:58 now. All that in 17 minutes. Maybe my mind was racing after all.