Thursday, August 7, 2014
I fucking hate people. But I also hate being alone so I'm stuck being miserable and lonely for the foreseeable future. I feel like I want to stab myself, or rather be stabbed. My mind focuses on wanting the sensation of a knife going through my stomach and blood running down me, but it's almost like I don't register that that would be painful and I still have no desire to actually DO anything, it's more like if an intruder came to my house with a knife I'd almost wish they'd stab me rather than me being afraid of the blade. I feel cold and frozen, barely moving and so tense I shake a bit. And now my head's starting to hurt again, that same place right above my left eye. Maybe some manifestation of physical pain. I feel like I hurt but deep deep inside at the very center of my chest and radiating out from there to my head, my joints, my hands, and my feet. I also feel like I can't breath or am not getting enough air like I'm forgetting to breathe. And focusing a lot on the physical. I can't seem to really get a handle on what I'm feeling emotionally except intense hatred for people, all people. Beth isn't really talking to me, Zander is weird and apparently doesn't like me, CJ tries to help but can't and god damn what is that sharp pain under my ribs. left side of my body. It hurts on every inhale. Subsided now but I'm afraid to breathe just like I'm afraid to move after a leg cramp. Which made me notice my foot falling asleep. Should change positions maybe, this hurts my elbow too but again I'm focusing so much on physical, even [unknown] the way I'm writing right now. Damn I had a thought and lost it, something about seeming self aware but I'm really not. I'm only physically aware, emotion is more tricky. My emotions are more calmed now anyway, the writing enters me into my clinical diagnostician mode. I become so distracted by trying to figure out what I feel that I lose the feeling. I just want to curl u in the dark. I feel exposed. I thought I'd want him to touch me but it made me so uncomfortable and even though he's gone I still feel exposed. And watched and I felt the same way when I went outside to Michael's earlier to get clay for my dragon. I thought in the car that maybe I was developing agoraphobia. Or some other form of social phobia. I thought that was getting better but it hasn't. And I keep thinking some future event will make things better and it never does. Last semester I thought that summer would make me better, now I'm hoping next semester will but it probably wont. Nothing will, ever. I still feel like I'm hyper aware of every nerve in my body. Pain shooting up my arm when I lean on my elbow, a slight tightness in my chest. I wonder if I've ever had a panic attack and not known it. Also I really want cake but I haven't really eaten today and I'm super tired because I woke up early, more for Zander than for me. But no more now. Ai need to eat healthier but I really just have pizza and brownies. I'm so cold still and I want someone to hug me and warm me up and I have no one and never will and I keep seeing Beth happy with her man and it makes me so sad every fucking time. I feel like I'm growing more distant from her, she has many other more important people in her life and is usually busy or working when I need her but when she dose respond when I'm sad it's usually just a sad face or something anyway and that's it. No one can actually help me anyway, and no one really listens except on occasion. SO FUCKING COLD.